I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
