When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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