Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i would one night stand the shit outta him
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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