pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
