foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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