I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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