I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
turn off your phone and go to bed
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
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We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
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My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.