They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates