I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Randomize
