My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
