I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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