just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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