sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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