If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
