You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
ok first of all what the fuck
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
