If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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