i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
