Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
