rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He corrected my spelling during sexting.