I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
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