Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
