I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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