I'm really into asian looking animals
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
