he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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