ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Drake has all the answers
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
