dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
