went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
