Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
