and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
