My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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