Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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