I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
