She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
