ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
