Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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