Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
