I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
sarcasm needs its own font
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
