I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
