the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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