Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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