well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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