i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
