haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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