Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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