Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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