I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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