So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
