I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
