You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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