Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
