he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
