we made out on top of his cat.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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