I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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