he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
