she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
