I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
