Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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