I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
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