His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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