My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
